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22 February 2015 @ 03:32 am
odd thought  
 Although I have two partners right now, this is probably the closest to single I've ever been. I mean, I have a few friends who propositioned me the other night and I'm like "eh sure," but like, that's far away. I dunno. I'm deep in people's feels and trust but right now I feel more self-motivated than I ever have. Sometimes that means that I drink vodka and play old video games, and sometimes that means I decide I should work ten hours in one day, possibly multiple times next week. Eh. 

I have a good network of people I share intimacy with, most of it is not "physical" because I don't "live here." I'm located in Phoenix, but my life isn't here any more, if that makes sense. There's a cute girl who shares her boyfriend's gender issues (and cute maid pics) and is totally down to make out or otherwise express non-committal attraction to me. There's those cyberweirdoes in New York who consider me part of some weird triumvirate with them, but like, independent of them and also I don't feel like getting involved with them but like I'm cool having an air of feels around. There's a bunch of people who find me lovely and some who want to talk to me late at night while they're drunk and talk about their neuroses, and people who want to share their adventures, and... I just don't feel so owned right now, but at the same time, completely devoted to my partner. 

Like, I'm so smitten and adoring, I really think this is so great because it's like a desired but unbinding future. He expects me to be there but he's not counting on it, and I'm not counting on him, and every little show of devotion means so much more because of it.  Like, oh, yes, that you looked up when the best flight out to you would be means a lot. That you had already known that renting a room out there would be hard for me meant a lot. That you liked the thing I bought you. That you're working on getting me the gift I asked for, that you call, that you pick up. It's not consistent. I always want more of the good stuff, but, this trust despite the distance and communication discrepancies is oddly gratifying and helps me through the day, even when we don't talk. Yes, I sent you two pictures of the same cat in a row, and you agreed it was a good cat. That's how I know you care.

(also my ex still tells stories about my cats so yeah that's how I know he cares. he tells me he wants me to write a book. dork.) 

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