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12 March 2015 @ 11:26 pm
smoking on the balcony is not as fun without you  

Everything has been put off. That's okay, it's pretty common in my life... time always feels slow. Very rarely does anything that seriously bad actually come to fruition, and it's never as bad as I'd expect it to be. So, I haven't moved yet, Lucas hasn't come yet, it's all very quiet.

I had a rough weekend, very severe CPTSD flare up, no idea what triggered it, but it was dark. I've felt better for the last two days, and today my psych upped one of my meds to see if it'd help. I don't know if I can know, really. If that episode is entirely over, then it won't make a difference. If it happens again, do I just have to wait longer? We'll see.

Cats are really enjoying their raw diet, finally. I love watching Raoul eat bones. At first he was just so angry about not being able to eat kibble, now they get really bossy when it's feeding time. Cute babies.

Saw Steve last week, he was in an off-broadway show, touring a ridiculous edutainment puppet thing. Children make terrible sounds en masse. I was anxious to see him for the first time in six years, so I spent five hours dyeing my hair purple. It ended up raining that day. I spent my time on that side of town wandering alone, mostly. I only got to see him for about 10 minutes while they packed up; then his tour bus had to leave right away to the next destination. He said was cathartic to see me, that he feels like he can be around me again. He likes it when I show him lots of pictures of my cats, still, and he's told all of his cast mates stories about my internet cam adventures, which makes me laugh. Theatre people, heh. He's gonna care about me forever.

Katie wants to have a baby, and after a brief pregnancy scare she's dedicated to trying, with her boyfriend... but that means she went off her meds cold turkey. It hasn't been very pleasant for her; she drinks a lot of NyQuil so she can sleep instead of being conscious for the withdrawal symptoms. She's dealt with cold turkey heroin withdrawals, so I assume she knows what she's doing.

I really need a laptop/tablet. I end up hanging out at the same desk I work at all day, there's insufficient work/leisure separation, I'm basically always at half-mast -- half engaged with working/money and half distracted. I can't relax and watch a show without feeling that I should be working, because it's on the same machine. Ugh.

Also, I'm... tired of being drunk? I was drinking a lot for a while, then I decided to taper off, and when I was having the episode honestly it did nothing for me (as anything did) and now I'm... honestly bored? I wish I had something else I could do to help myself slow down and separate myself from having to be engaged with work. 

Eh. I picked up a pack of cigarettes because I have a coupon, and I do that once or twice a year, and I sat out on the balcony smoking like we always used to do, and I have so many memories of sitting out there, standing beside him, being held, holding him, for these brief intervals while he smoked; not even a whole cigarette sometimes, sometimes we'd fuck out there if it was dark enough, and his touch was always so kind. Without him, there is really nothing here that makes this feel like home. I've grown disenchanted of my favorite bar; it's become trashy and full of the kind of young people I don't find so fun, I love Katie but she isn't home, and it's a very ephemeral thing, and I...

To be honest? I miss Adam a bunch. I miss talking to someone about the weird music I like. Even though he's been secretly stalking me on Tumblr, which I just discovered a few weeks ago (he even likes my selfies, that's so indiscreet!) .... It wasn't very healthy at the time, I was in a lot of pain, and he got eaten by a girlfriend. But then sometimes I think about the music, the aesthetic, the little quiet space, salvia, and the occasional late night talk about deep raw things. I watched some Archer the other day to try to cheer myself up, and I had always told him he was Cyril, and watching it again, I really am reminded of Adam. But, I can't go back. I can't go back until I'm out of here, out of this. I can't deal with him on the terms in place. I need to be stronger, have less reason to over-accomodate, feel less threatened, and he needs to know I'm not beholden to him; I'm not his. 

Music is a bitch, isn't it? When you like a song with someone, and can't listen to it so much anymore because you feel something. At least I'm good at discovering more music, but even then, I think about someone who would like it sometimes. 

I crave many things. 

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Current Mood: pensivewistful
Current Music: Mono Sexion - My Only Language